This had been one of the more interesting weeks. I recently celebrated my birthday. I sent her a message to kind of remind her that my birthday is coming up. I haven’t talked to her in a long time so I wanted to catch up, to know that she was okay. I got blocked from everywhere. I then spend the next few weeks getting depressed over it. The depression struck me and got more intense over time. The past few days were the strongest. It felt as if I lost her yesterday. I feel my chest tighten, my eyes wanting to tear up. I can’t cry. I want to. I have a mental disorder that doesn’t allow me to consciously cry even if I want to. So, I imagine myself crying. I decided to just feel the pain this time and not reject it with the hope that I’ll get her back, I’ll never get her back, I tell myself. No matter how strong or skillful or rich I become.
To exit Izanami, accept reality and move forward without wanting to change the results.
I think of how almost everything is going my way these days except for this. I haven’t had an argument with my mom for months. My brother had been cooperating with me. It’s been peaceful at home. I’ve been a top performer at work for the month. Surpassing all my best performance consistently. I learned how to meditate. I got my self a little in debt for buying all the tech, I felt like buying, but I got over it. All my debts have been paid, I am also half way to restoring my savings. I’ve also made a bunch of new friends. Although, I don’t have someone whom, I can tell everything about what happens to me openly everyday, I feel I have someone whom I potentially can. My blogs are now well received by their target audience. All is well.
Then my mind reminds me of her. I tell an imaginary Ish, “You’re the only one missing.” At this point, I’m confused whether I should never give up or I should just allow people to be where they want to be. You can’t force people to come back.
Then I remember I need to go out to bike so I need to finish this.
The point was I was so depressed last two days, I’ve been thinking about how to get over it. I’m considering googling how to cry to force myself to cry and get it done or possibly see a psychiatrist or get some help. Any help.
I listened to a Tony Robins program about performance. I didn’t expect him to talk about depression. When he did, the key lesson I got was that posture and breathing influences depression.
They had a study where they took clinically depressed people and had them force them selves to look up in the mirror, stand up straight and smile from ear to ear and take deep breaths. At the end of the experiment I don’t remember if it was twenty or thirty or sixty days none of them needed medication anymore.
So I gave it a try. I took deep breaths. I became mindful of my posture. I watched this video by Kelly Starrett about tips on how to correct your posture.
I sit in the same spot at work, looking to the spot where she lives. I begin to feel the depression. I correct my posture and take deep breaths and eventually the depression is gone. Logic returns. Focus returns. Sometimes I have to force myself to smile to feel better but I mostly don’t have to. I remember what to be thankful for and it’s been cool ever since.
That was earlier. I’ll let you know what happens next. I’m going out to bike.