I do not believe in superstition.
However, there are phenomena that I have difficulty explaining.
A few months ago, I was having a debate with my friend on how the full moon might negatively affect people who already feel down. I can neither present any proof that this claim is true or does not exist.
It’s a conclusion I came across putting information that I’ve encountered together and listening to my gut.
Within a week’s time, a family member expressed her desire to die, my attitude had begun to go dark again, my friend has an acquaintance who began to share suicidal thoughts and another friend of his followed through and killed herself on Christmas Eve.
I do not have any suicidal thoughts. Everytime I have a hint of self-destructive thoughts, a recording of a quote by from Terminator 2: Judgement Day played by Arnold Schwarzenegger begins to go off in my head.
”Here. I cannot self-terminate. You must lower me into the steel.”
I have been listening to talks of Alan Watts since 2015 and in his three hour lecture titled “Do You Do It, Or Does It Do You?” Watts mentions a phenomenon that he calls “Target Fascination” whereby skydivers are so involved in gazing at the approaching target that they forget to pull their parachute cord. This also happens to deep sea divers and people experimenting with hallucinogens. The target represents doom.
I don’t go out of my way to avoid dangerous situations.
Whenever I ride my bike, I frequently repeat the words “sideswipe” and “target fascination” to remind myself to not get too close to cars in traffic and to avoid going full speed when riding downhill respectively.
I know that this behavior will be problematic moving forward.
As I write this, I’m now aware that the symptoms that I am experiencing may not be depression specifically but might be related to PTSD because depression may be naturally occurring in a person because of biological factors and my problems were triggered by a traumatic event.
It’s 2019 and I still struggle with the symptoms today. I have found several ways to fight it and I have won in the past years and lived to fight another day. The symptoms keep coming back.
When I began reading about PTSD I learned that many of the symptoms overlap with symptoms of depression the articles I’ve read state that the main difference is that PTSD is triggered by an event that affects the patient as if the traumatic experience happened yesterday or is still currently happening to them.
I have experienced it, the past years, occurring at specific dates, when thinking about relationships, long term planning or trying to stay positive when facing a big challenge, and even actual dates with other people.
Sometimes it affects me at a bad time. I have important work to do that day. I’d have a dream about the traumatic event and when I wake up, I’m frozen for the rest of the day and drowning in regret, unfair self-criticism and other depressing thoughts.
Sometimes I contemplate the disadvantage of being the last person standing. That I shouldn’t be alive and that other people who have died deserved to live instead of me and that it’s unfair to those people that I survived this long instead of them.
Right now, it feels as if the traumatic experience didn’t happen yesterday but a few weeks ago or maybe a month.
I imagine that’s some progress.
I have been incredibly blessed meeting people who have helped me move forward.
I have days when I feel down and days when I’m lucid.
I can think clearly, I’m creative and able to remain objective on these lucid days. Sometimes I feel unstoppable.
In an attempt to explain this, I imagine a situation where there are many loser versions of me and a few winner version of me and they pilot my body on a shifting schedule.
One of the things that I’m doing to improve my life is that I am taking small steps to make my life a little better.
One minimal change that I thought of is to add the specific dates on the calendar that affect me negatively and trigger any symptoms.
I don’t want this condition to be an excuse for me in any way.
I have developed ways to cope and although, when I feel down, I refuse to implement any of these solutions that worked before, I need to be aware of the times when this occurs so I know and have the opportunity to act before this weakness takes over for the rest of the day.
I feel as if, I no longer need an explanation why I’m down or feel down.
I’m so exhausted thinking about it.
I don’t care about that anymore.
I am more interested in being able to do something about it and move forward even on those days when my thoughts go dark.
So I added the following details on my calendar as a warning. So I know specific days when I can expect myself to experience this inconvenience and do something about it.
The dates involve a couple of days related to where I imagine my PTSD-like symptoms get triggered.
I also added the schedule of the full moon, just in case as I’ve detailed in the earlier story.
Account: main calendar account
Type: All day
Title: Cancel All Appointments. Read this. IMPORTANT
Alert: On the day,1 Day Before.
Notes: Read this aloud.
Don’t make any major decisions today.
Do not argue with anyone today.
Double your dose of:
- Omega 3
- Meditation. Short sessions.
Take lots of deep breaths. Mind your breathing throughout the day.
Pray even if you don’t feel like it.
Poop when you feel it, even a little. Don’t hold it in. This will reset your microbiome and eject some of your shitty ideas.
Draw something. Deadpool, Venom and the Berserker armor if you can’t think of anything.
Try to sing.
Play Sunny Day Song and Bokutachi wa Hitotsu no Hikari on repeat.
Stay in an air-conditioned room.
Alcohol is not allowed today.
Get company. Get Mitzi if she’s available.
Activate your berserker mode and fight it. Tap into your hate. Don’t get eaten by your depression. Struggle. You won’t be affected by this tomorrow. Just survive until tomorrow.
Sleep early and knock yourself out with melatonin and 5-HTP.
Old title: Clash With Your Weakness
Thank you for reading.
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